and surprisingly no, I don’t mean late for an occasion.
I was home in Creston and it felt good to be back. I visited my Grandma’s before heading to see friends down the lake with my parents. My chest was tight from the heavy smoke that rolled in over night and walking in the sand didn’t help my pain, but I was in great company and it was all worth it. I tried to walk up the beach after watching the sunset, but I just couldn’t handle the pain. Connor tried to help me but ended up getting his friends to come pick me up in the golf cart. I was thankful and frustrated that my 23 year old self couldn’t walk up a hill on my own.
I was smothered with love and hugs and water deliveries as everyone settled in on the deck. I was and am so so happy to have such amazing supportive friends that made sure I was taken care of.
I was overwhelmed with thoughtfulness and the longing desire for a life without pain.
There was dancing, laughter, and rum punch; a few of my favourite things that I missed so much. I fought to keep it together and simply enjoy the fact that I could be there to experience everything, even if it was in a different way than my past.
When it came time to go, Connor helped me walk to the truck and the prominent pain that returned with each step was the final breaking point for a few tears. I thanked him for everything and he said “Dammit Lexi, don’t make me cry! Don’t do this to me!” We both had a little laugh, a tear, and a big hug. As I drove away with my parents, tears streamed silently down my face.
These tears were from both physical and emotional pain. My nerve pain was shooting down my leg even sitting there. And my friends, I loved so much to see them happy, healthy, and partying before heading back to their educational or career goals after summer. I mean it when I say I am SO happy to see them glowing. Buuut I’d be lying if I said it also wasn’t hard for me at times. Usually I can just be happy for everyone without any emotional pain, but sometimes it reminds me of how far away I am from those things myself. Like how much I can’t do, but want to do, and more than anything, how much I want my life back.
Friends, if you are reading this, please do NOT stop sharing partying stories or your success at work or school or in life, or inviting me places. I love it. As much as it is sometimes hard for me because I feel behind in life, it is also what inspires me to keep pushing to get better, to restore my hope that one day I just might be able to join you again.
Being sick right now is my reality and as much as I try to be positive, there are days where I wish it were different, where I can’t handle the pain, or I simply just feel lost. Truthfully, don’t we all have those days regardless of our health?? I have learned that that is just as okay to have sad days as it is good days and it is all a part of healing. After all, I created this blog to be honest and raw with my experiences, good or bad, so I am bringing you just that.
Hang in there with me as Part II of this day brings another wealth of emotions, but just like I promise myself, I promise you that my journey will not always carry so much sadness. Bear with me through this next one!