rambling err educating the crowd on Lyme Disease and my experience thus far, I wanted to say a bit more. If you missed the event or want to read it- here it is.
I’d like you to imagine one day waking up and despite the heavy weight on your chest, the hangover like nausea and radiating pain, you take a deep breath and try to open your eyes. Your eyelids are swollen and you struggle to force them open. You go to move your arm to sit up and it collapses under the weight of your body. The physical pain alone crushes you- then, you remember.
Your life isn’t quite what it once was. You lost your job and dropped out of school because you were inept. Many past relationships deteriorated and your medical bills now outweighed your no longer existent income.
You try again to sit up, but the more you come to reality the heavier the weight feels and you wonder for a moment just what you’re fighting to get up for.
Fun filled and pain free days seem like distant dreams. You cling to old photos and happy memories that are crushed by the self-doubt that you might not have them again. Your life has become an unknown variable with little motive. You wonder what purpose you bring to the world and why on earth you should fight so damn hard just to be able to sit up in bed.
You have spent more days in the hospital than you count. From renal issues to anaphylaxis and tremors one symptom turns to another and you feel you can’t keep up anymore.
It’s been two years of living like this, with occasional breaks that are like teasers because the moment you get a taste of a better day, you realize how could it could be, but unfortunately it never lasts. If anything, you will do too much, live too much and end up feeling worse after better, time and time again.
You try again to sit up and you make it.
Two parts stubborn and one part hopeful of a better day.
You’re heads spinning and now you feel like passing out AND throwing up. Your headache is pounding 10x worse; did you even notice you had a headache until now? You can’t remember anything anymore. Your ears start ringing and you want to scream and jump out of your body- a warning sign for a tremor or will it be a migraine today? Are you going to have an episode this morning? Is someone around if you do? How will you get through today and tomorrow and will you ever get better?
Is it possible to continue to tread water forever without eventually drowning?
You start questioning if you should get up today or any day. Why keep reliving it, why keep doing it and not getter much further ahead? Why keep fighting?
Do you collapse down into bed in defeat or do you get up and bear the pain- hoping once you’re moving it gets better. I’d like you to think for a few seconds, what you would do.
It’s been two years of this for me and I commonly sit with my thoughts after nights I’ve begged for it all to end and have thought to myself; What keeps me from giving up? Why am I here?
I want to tell you that I’m here today because of all of you. You- The people who have or are supporting me. Who are kind to me, who believe in me, who have faith in me and share hope with me for a brighter future.
I am here because of my family and my friends that have never given up on my and supported me through all the change and emotions that coincide. The sobbing phone calls and late night hospital trips and even the “how are you” texts.
I am here because I found someone who could love me for who I am, disease and all. Someone who shares the highs and lows with me and does not make me feel any less for it. Someone who sees me night after night convulsing and losing control of my mind and body, yet still looks at me the exact same loving way the next day.
I am here because I know I am worthy of belonging, of health, love and of life.
I have learned that I may not be who I once was and that’s okay, because this illness has pushed me and allowed me to find strength I never knew possible.
I am here because I know at the end of every day through every struggle, that I am enough and I will never be who I once was because now, I am so much more.
Thank you to everyone who helps keep me strong.