The holiday busy-ness took it’s toll on me, but I managed to enjoy more than I even thought possible and I am so grateful for the amazing memories made. Unfortunately for me, fun never comes without consequence. The last few weeks have been a serious bout of adrenal fatigue and increased symptoms. The first week after the holidays my symptoms were enhanced and I was having lyme seizures sometimes three times a day. Thankfully, I am back down to one a day on average, but after is when the emotional part hits and it has hit hard.
Going through so much change sucks.
Being sick sucks.
Being away from your partner sucks.
Having no job, oddly enough, sucks.
Having no independence sucks.
Lyme seizures suck.
Living every day with serious pain, sucks.
Having no support with Lyme from Dr’s sucks.
My dogs tiny invisible fluffs of hair in my eyes suck.
Okay, you get the point, I’m grumpy and some days just suck. Period. And some days I can let shit go faster than others. Right now, I just feel like I’m at the bottom of a gulley and I’m trying to climb my way out but keep falling back down, each time I try to get out I get a little more hurt and a little more tired.
I’m exhausted. Actually. Even breathing feels laboured. Do you know what it feels like to feel physically drained from breathing itself? I know, I sound crazy, don’t worry I’m used to it. It’s actually a thing. What makes it confusing like all things lyme, is it comes and goes at it pleases so some days it is worse for me than others. (I’m not making myself sound any less crazy right now so here’s a link if you want to understand what I’m trying to get at here: http://www.tiredoflyme.com/muscle-weakness.html)
I’d like to leave you with a gratitude thought and on a high note, but today I just need to be honest with myself and feel my feelings. I’m sad, I’m mad, I’m hurting in and out, and I’m just frustrated with life in general. And it is hard for me to admit, but I am learning that that’s okay. I’m adjusting and I know one day it will all be okay, but right now I’m so overwhelmed I’m just gonna let today suck and try again tomorrow.